Saturday, March 05, 2011

Nadia Oh - Hot Like Wow

Oh Nadia....

I can only hope that the title track to this album 'Hot Like Wow' was a failed entry for the eurovision song contest that somehow made it into the wrong hands and ended up spawning an album. From the bad auto tuning of an average voice to the cheap sounding egyptian trills going on in the background, not even a seasoned popstress could make this song good with their army of PA input. Underneath the cheap sounding bedroom production, the lyrics seem to be the typical cavalcade of sexual innuendo without the innuendo, the story of yet another horny young teen who thinks this dude has a hot bod and is, like, SO ttly cool! Hot like Wow, in fact... Jeez. Someone hand me a sick bucket.

'My Egyptian Lover' stays in the same sickening vein as the last tune, with the same faux Egyptian feel and some lyricl gems such as 'I'll be your dog, come to you when you call me' ... Sweet Santas Reindeer! What is wrong with women in the pop industry these days?! Personally, I blame feminism. Well, that and the rise to power of a certain meat wearing freak who shall remain alluded to but nameless for the moment. See kids? This is where listening to plastic adorned attention whores and their ilk will get you: a one way ticket to teenage abortion, horrible taste in music and even worse taste in clothing that is, in any of the more rational minds around you, too small or stupid to belong on any human being's body.

As Nadia's droning attempts at tunefulness continue, I find it harder and harder to tell if she's one of those annoying American/Brit hybrids, or whether she's just too lazy to speak properly. But either way, her drawling attempt at a sexual purr is fast burning a hole though the rational part of my brain and turning my view to a shiny, murderous red...

Track three begins with a novel 8-bit sounding ditty which cheers me some, taking me back to long summer days stuck in my house as a child, sweating and scowling over a keypad and trying to guide an ungrateful Blue Hedgehog through his Sega domain. It doesn't take long for the nostalgia to wear off, however, to be replaced by the same disappointment in what appears to be another below average collections of bleeps and bloops with some promiscuous bint trying to get teenage boys to wank over her with her words. Yawn.

As track 4 begins, I cant help thinking of a friend of mine who is currently off partying halfway around the world.. I get the feeling this might be something that he would make me listen to on youtube when drunk. It sends a faint whiff of the trademark M.I.A scent into my subconscious. Stripped down, just vocals and a simple drums & beeps backing. If it werent for all the lyrical idiocy, this could be just the kind of thing for gettin' down on the dance floor to. Thankfully for us all, I'm not the type to 'get down' at all, so that wipes it clearly off my 'awesome' radar, but I'm sure it has a time and a place for some tasteless R&B loving shmuck somewhere.

We leave Egypt far behind for track 5 and move on to the city streets! With the authentic sounds of car horns conveying their drivers' frustration, train crossings ringing their bells and a few strategically placed sirens to let you know that this tune is 'ghetto', innit. The only interesting addition of sound seems to be the infrequent use of a speak n spell that seems to spell 'F-U-N-A', which I cant help but find somewhat novel due to the combination of unintelligible spelling and the childhood nostalgia of an old favourite toy. But when it comes to making leaps and bounds in recording? No chance. I could have made a better mix on old Playstation software.

Some badly played guitar ushers in the next song, a repetitive and almost Peaches-inspired ditty, aptly entitled 'Rip it Up'. It is short lived and full of bad musicality, but all in all, not as terrible as the rest. Either my brain has already begun dribbling out of my ear and taken any musical taste I had with it, or this track actually wasn't 100% awful.

Ah, a thievery from the Britney Spears school of pop songs up next methinks. An insipid vocaloid beat in the background while Nadia talks about how awesome she is. She gets in to clubs for free, she's a VIP doncha know. She's also the kinda girl that your boyfriend kisses, and that your girlfriend disses. The things I am learning about this woman through this album is a feat of genius! Well, genius if you are an attendee of clown college...

Onto track eight, and YET MORE BEEPS. Hooray. I'm guessing that this entire album was made with one sample CD that they bought off of ebay, as the repetitive nature of the sounds is beyond mind numbing now and growing increasingly more grating by the second. She is now asking for my name and my number by way of more of her lyrical prowess. Well, by this point she can sod off. I literally cannot wait for the monstrosity to end... Even my Husky has his head turned away from the speakers in what I'm sure is utter dismay.

Oh god, I'm only on track 9... This is beyond painful. N-A-D-I-A, Oh! Someone hand me a rifle... Carnival drums and more self pimping ahoy. How refreshing and new...

Oh, Nadia, really... A bastardisation of Tocca and Fuege? And one that, as if I shouldn't have already guessed, leads into more Egyptian sounding crap... And more monotone taunts in place of singing, this time that  she 'love me long time' alongside requests for me to shake my booty. Apparently, she likes that.

I think by this point, I give up on individual track analysis; there is nothing particularly individual about anything I've heard in the last 20 minutes so I'm just going to call a spade a spade here. And this is one big, fat, licentious spade.

All in all, I'm surprised by how slutty as well as dated this entire album sounds. The production is laughable in places, the lyrics are the same moronic teenage drawl that you seem to hear everywhere nowadays; young girls doing a verbal strip down and selling themselves along with their lack of talent, just so they can make a few dollar out of magazine interviews and merch sales. Honestly, it saddens me that this is what music has become to so many. A mass marketed strip show with a soundtrack written to match. Classy.

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